so coworker brought back pizza from a meeting and i had one
it tasted amazing for like 2 minutes and from then on I felt-and still feel like a nasty bloated glob of mess about to throw up omg.
but no what pisses me off the most is that I already made SWEET POTATO FRIES that are waiting for me at home and now I can’t eat it cuz im too bloated and about to throw up X(
Facebook likes do not determine your self-worth, a mantra to keep close in mind
I gotta friking casualty on my face and it’s so red and noticeable I don’t really know what to do with myself but to stay home and hide from the public..except I can’t because I gotta go to work which btw is particularly draining today. I’m really not meant to be in this environment, doing this job.
I don’t want to be here. Even the intern activities which are supposed to be fun are draining my soul.
I just don’t feel my best today. My business casual clothes suck. My bar clothes suck. Why do I have sucky clothes????
I was having cramps so I have in and had hot chocolate. Now I regret cuz I’m bloated and I’m never going to fit in anything. And wtf I’ve been eating clean and I’m getting fatter why.
This is why my clothes suck cuz my shape sucks ugh.
Also I’m buying canned beans from now on ain’t nobody got time to slow cook crock pot that ish like PLEASE.
UGH I CANT DEAL WITH LIFE TODAY I DONT WANNA DO BIZLAW HW EFF
Since I couldn’t Instagram my food cuz of horrible lighting, here is what I ate today:
A taste of my banana milkshake I made last night, but spit most out cuz it got gross this morning
A couple watermelon cubes
Handful of blueberries
The garlic soy sauce cod from dinner last night
1 bag of mini carrots from cosi
Rice (brown & grains)
Lemon juices sprinkled throughout
I’m going to Tinos Italian bistro with a Fam friend & she’s treating meee yay
One thing better than free food is free Italian food ;)
Honestly even if I had a bf all through high school I wouldn’t even be able to have the whole experience because my parents esp my mom are sososoSO protective & strict about them BOYZ it would just end so badly. I would have an earlyass curfew like idk 10??? And not be able to go over or have him come over and I didn’t even have a license till MUCH later & they wouldn’t even let the bf drive me so like ugh do you see?? Everything will fall to SHITS Like I would end up having a HORRIBLE relationship with my mom & parents my grades would suck & then my hypothetical bf & I would have to end things. Which would probs be in a bad way too & then ill forever be known to him and his friends as the psycho ex who had equally psycho parents why did we even date.
So you know what. All through high school I was pitying myself that I didn’t have a hs boyfriend but in hind sight it happened like that for a reason.
A silver lining finally discovered, after all these years. Yayy
a. STOP FUCKING PROCRASTINATING LIKE WAITING TILL FOUR HOURS BEFORE THE DEADLINE TO FINISH TWO ASSIGNMENTS AND A QUIZ WILL ONLY LEAVE YOU WITH ONE ASSIGNMENT AND QUIZ FINISHED AND ONE TRAGICALLY UN-FINISHED ASSIGNMENT THATS GONNA GET YOU A REALLY REALLY TRAGIC GRADE AND GUESS WHAT EVEN YOUR CREDS AREN’T GONNA TRANFER OK
PLEASE IF THIS ISN’T THE LAST STRAW/RED FLAG/ETC I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS JUST STOP FOR THE LOVE OF GOODNESS GRACIOUS PLZ OMG
b. tis been many many months since I have last worked out consistently. it’s time. it’s BEEN time ok it’s BEEN TIME SO LONG AGO LIKE SRSLY UGH MOTHER EFFING GEEZ I CANT EVEN DEAL I NEED TO EXERCISE so i don’t die in a puddle of my own fat. smh.
gonna try to incorporate intense jump roping sessions into HIIT. cuz jumping ropes for a whole workout doesn’t even do anything. maybe just warm up. and water breaks. oh i am evil to myself.
[…and it’s only Monday. sighsighsigh]
1. On near-co-dependent friendships
I think this past weekend was the tipping point of the sign that I should keep my distance from now on and hang out with other people when I go visit. I feel like lately when we hang out all she talks about is herself and I end up spending a ton of money and I need to drive her around and she always tries to suck the fun out of everything and gets hyped and then backs out at the last minute. I also eat super unhealthy (and drink super unhealthy) when I’m with her and that’s just ruining this new lifestyle I’m trying to attempt. Also her roommate is really off-putting and it’s just awkward when all 3 of us hang out together. And she didn’t even tell me ugh this is just too much. Anyways. Time to spend more time with sigkaps.
2. On Wellness
a. food combining still confuses the CRAP out of me. And normally I wouldn’t complain but all this food im eating is making me more bloated than before, which I doesn’t make sense because I’m eating cleaner than ever.
b. I probs need to get back to exercising soon. I was originally going to get my clean eating habits going for a while to lose the fat and then do my usual HIIT workouts
c. real food spoils SO FRIKING QUICKLY it’s like can you stop being so weak I’m doing the best I can to eat you while your still good. I now understand why the processed food industry exists and is thriving.
3. On Personal Branding Stuff That’s Still A Work In Progress
I really need to get on that
a. I’ve been thinking about creating a personal website since like last year, and it still hasn’t happened yet. It won’t be a blog, but more just an online portfolio.
b. But I’ve also been thinking about starting a public blog (separate from the personal site). Basically it won’t be another personal tumblr where I rant and drool over food and laugh at stupid stuff and cry a little at adorable stuff. Instead
4. Internship doesn’t feel as stimulating anymore..
a. My supervisor seems to be going nowhere in life. and he has a truck driver temper that’s really unsettling.
b. Traffic sucks. It really, really sucks.
c. I feel so superficial telling people about my title and only highlighting the positive parts of the job description
d. And lets be honest..as much as I’m trying to tell myself that what I’m doing matters, it really really friking doesn’t. No one even cares about Google Analytics because it has no impact on anything they’re doing. It’s such a minute task that I just can’t bare myself to go and do it anymore. I’m starting to feel like I don’t matter, and the prospect of getting to see the Google campus is getting smaller and smaller.
One idea I have, though - is to just learn the developer side of Google Analytics..pick up java, learn how to do all that embedding stuff. Make my own projects. I got all the time in the world as an intern, so why not?
5. On being alone
a. somehow I just get sucked into the world of youtube and videos and I just spend all my free time doing that
b. I need to be more discipline and friking do the things I need to do and not friking procrastinate like I’m doing right now
The pad Thai was a mistake
^ my thought after taking the first bite
But in other news, I SUBMITTED ALL MY FORMS TO RACHEL which means IM OFFICIALLY GOING TO LA BETCHESSSSSSSSSSSSSDFJAIOWJIOEFJWAIFIJWO
Also I would reflect more on my past two days with GT but I’m like seriously too braindead to function & I still gotta work tomorrow so IMA PEACE OUT BYE.
and as much as I hate their naggings,
I’m going to miss my parents as they embark on their vacay while I am living that 9-5 life.
I’m going to miss my mom especially because we somehow always have these seemingly intelligent discussions and we just do everything together you know.
And I can’t stop
thinking worrying about it! I haven’t done anything to prepare for it yet because I’m still trying to finish the work that I’ve been putting off this whole time and I have to finish them before the clock strikes midnight tonight!
So I guess in some ways you can say that I’m Cinderella…..
This coming Tuesday, I will be driving down to Virginia by myself to participate in a program hosted by Grant Thornton.
This is a pretty big milestone driving-wise, considering a year (or maybe even a few months) ago I couldn’t even drive on the baby highway near my house cuz I was so scared.
Super excited to spend 3 days down at Grant Thornton’s office to learn even more about the company, its people, and the opportunities it can offer for my career.
The fact that they accepted me when my major has nothing to do with what they’re looking for says a lot about their culture and how open-minded they are.
Going into this program, I hope to be as genuinely myself as possible, while not being held back by my own insecurities and assumptions.
I will keep asking for what I want until they tell me to stop.
Also networking. so excited to network!
The days I am more at peace with my body are the days I am aware of what I am eating every time.
sandwich: lettuce, spinach, tomato, zucchini, mozz
mustard- idk a spoonful?
half a cookie - oatmeal raisin
dried cranberries - and then I remembered that they are cranberry carcasses infused with juice
1/3 small bag of cauliflower
**and then I forgot I couldn’t drive anywhere for lunch cuz I got dropped off cuz the other car’s at the shop getting fixed cuz of my stupid incident last week. ugh. but so grateful for free food from meetings.
2 packs of m&ms
1 york pattie
I think everyday should be like this - no mindless eating, but no restrictive eating either.
- grown moment: drove from there and back via highway for the first time
- staying awake was a struggle
- goodie bags
- couldn’t stay awake
- was told to start saving up for retirement
- how so many events could take place over the course of only a day is beyond me
- rode in an old bay van
- got a ton of stuff from 5 below and realized it was all a scam..not everything in that store is cheap if you think about it
- painted a canvas of blue crab and old bay can (almost had a nervous breakdown cuz I tried to fix a mistake but messed up even more then the instructor had to come help but I fixed it in the end somewhat)
- understood a little more about acrylic paint and shall apply that to crafting.
- my hair at the end of the day still smelled like spices
- ptfo & didn’t work out
- haven’t done anything for my online class since the first assignment
- managed to move a little bit but it didn’t even count
- beyond out of shape
- went to Greene turtle for the first time
- colleagues tried to haze me lls
- too gullible for the IT department
Any excuse you get to be anywhere but here, take it - no matter how tedious it might be.
just grateful I don’t have to see anyone’s faces or ima really go at their faces like POW